I finally understand the notion of being alone in a busy world. Gosh loneliness is awful. A terrible feeling. I can be surrounded by so many but feel miles away from them. The journey to someone’s heart is something I have yet to decide of yet. I don’t even know how to function without those I care about. Everyone would say move on. Well that’s obvious but taking that first second and third step hurts. If I could just rise with a genuine optimistic charisma what would…whatever…in other news I’m the definition of annoyed!
Had plans that lack of planning robbed. I had a thought today, well actually several. Extremely terrified at the thought of dying alone, I would happily settle for one night of being in love. Granted this is the loneliness talking & it may change in a day or. & the first runner up thought goes to: nothing beats a real connection. Today wasn’t bad or good.
Tried neglecting my feelings but they are pretty impossible to ignore. That empty feeling has continued to grow or make itself known by screaming at me. It sucks that I am not considered important in hid life. But then again I probably am we move to a completely different wave. I never know what he is really thinking. & no its not a delusion. But I can’t feel the love nir see it. Moving on without them is tough. I literally walking alone. How this supposed to make me stronger. Hmm…
That’s it I’m committing suicide. I hate my life. But not physical suicide. Just the kind that involves getting rid of everything about this life I dislike. Which is pretty much everything. I’m ready to start over before its too late.
I’ve been saying this all day and repeating it in my head for days. So it all seems a bit redundant to myself. But my whole life I’ve been unaware of the emotions of those around me. Genuinely oblivious. But thats not a good enough excuse to expect forgiveness. I blamed him for the breakup. And granted he sucked a little. I did everything he did to me to an extreme level. I broke his heart. He got hurt & I moved on. & now his greatest revenge is finally being happy. It hit me today. I ruined us.
So all day yesterday I had every intention in writing a day 5 post. But it could be concluded that I’ve relapsed. Not entirely. But on the verge. I was honest with not only him but myself as to why he has randomly slipped into my #1 spot. I revealed my hurt for the lost of my best friend. & my reason for needing him in my life. I felt to scared to hear his response. I assumed it to be negative. I was wrong. I became vulnerable to him for the first time. Not on a sexual level but on level that we can actually build a foundation. And a true friendship can form. Flaws & all. I was real. It was real. He was real. Nothing beats that.
So for those who actually follow me. I found 3 draft posts from when I first started this random journey. Oh my how the transformation in my thought process has changed. Yet, I understand where that young me was coming from. She’s halarious! Gosh!!!
I’m literally beyond insane on my period. Especially the first two days! It’s not cute anymore. Its scary. I black out. Like not completely but when it comes to holding my mouth, I loose all control. & then the next day I’m just up and about talking to people like nothing ever happened. Can you say lunatic?
Day 5 was not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted I did hide behind extremely painful smiles. Just the thought of everything including the future makes me weak. He’s beating me down. & if its on purpose he’s already at the finish line. I don’t have it in me to fight back. I feel as if I lost this battle in my life. But I did catch myself saying stay strong. Something in me is trying to be tough, I can feel it. I just need to learn what & how to correctly channel that energy.
A few years from today, I'm sure I'll look back and say, "this is what made me who I am today"
& when you’re down at the bottom, after everyone has had their share in hurting you. Not to mention there is no need in pretending it doesn’t hurt. They already know you entirely to well. So you’re utterly defeated and the battle is completely over because they’ve walked out. What do you do? The ordinary man would say pick up the pieces and move on. The secondary man would say plot revenge? I say….to be continued.
Day 4 was intense! I’m sooo emotionally drained I can feel it physically. I spoke until I was blue in the face. Sometimes words are just not enough. It was real. I was real. That’s the only positive. Even tho I got hurt. It was real. The idea of us is actually starting to fade. I’m slightly seeing the reality.
I’m very upset with him about something he did a few months ago but acted fully on it recently. That moment when you realize you have no choice but to play the game or die. I have a v for vendetta that will be revealed through my success. & I shall be coy towards the endless parades of compliments. Yep. I’m not even texting him back. Unfortunately we really can’t call this progress. I’m on my period and my feelings are extremely unpredictable.
& are you really gonna leave me right in the middle if my life.
Teard up a few times but only sheds two tears. Also started my period. Which explains the excessive crying. Thats one thing I dislike about my period. It never feels good to cry & I end up feeling everything on an extreme level. & I’m already an extremist…
Caught up in the thought of what went wrong. I left real relationships to be a sugar baby. Because I was tired of getting hit with fists full of disappointment. Sex in excahnge for a broken heart. Why? When I could have sex for everything I’ve ever physically wanted. But love is bigger & I’ma stand up for love. I love all of you ladies and I 100% will never knock you down for doing what you believe is best.
I really thought that my ex and I were getting back together. I knew it wouldn’t be today, but I was soooo ready and willing to try. I was ready to fight to the death. But I was too late. The insanity that lives between this all is by far the identity as to how I feel. Even though I know the outcome, I would gladly relive these last four months again. Gladly. & I would love harder.
I finally met him. He finally let me in. Nothing beats that.
I am going to channel this energy in creating the perfect me. Inwardly I'm pretty amazing & I sincerely don't mean that in a selfish way. But outwardly. I'm going to channel this energy into creating a new body. That will wear a Million dollar smile
Sore throat and all. Sike. Singing is my life. Priorities.
We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to. I guess I should be happy he’s changing. But like every other girl I was hoping he’d change with me for us. That we could grow and change together. He makes her seem perfect and I guess she is. If your willing to break someone’s heart to protect another heart. Heart #2 must really be worth keeping strong. While I’m still trying to figure out the ins and outs to the benefits to heart #1. He still wants to be friends for whatever reason. I have recently decided its subconsciously for the sake of his guilty conscience. He still lives in my daydreams. But I haven’t cried today. Granted this all happened yesterday. I still love him and I still have hope. But I also have to be realistic to the standard of the word. I just hope now that this friendship he wants is sincere. I have a very difficult time believing anything he says. I’m still under the impression it’s all “game”
Thought about trying one last time to reconnect with my ex bestie but decided not to. I said all their was possible to say. & I’m no longer forcing people to tell me how they feel. They may not learn it through me but one day it will hit them. They will see that they’re missed out on so many amazing encounters that ended because one conversation didn’t happen. Or thats what I’ll tell myself will happen.
Now I am here without two of the most important people in my life. But I am starting a new chapter I guess. Thats utterly cliche but hey I think that’s what I’ll be today.
The hope for us reuniting in love with each other is a dead dream. But friends. Ya cool. I want to talk to him, but I cant. Not out of pride. But because it hurts too much. From this point I don’t know where this relationship will go as far as depth and understand in one another is related. & I don’t know what else to write. Yep I’m all out of words. It was the final scene to our love story.
I always doubt myself and I don’t think I’m good enough. Call me crazy but I’d rather fail because I didn’t try then fail after I ripped my own heart out. The worst heart break one can experience is the one that involves absolute failure. Well to me at least. I like to write but I’m scared that my potential is only potential. Scared it wont be good enough for myself. I swear I’m at a constant battle with myself, ongoing never ending.
I wrote this a few years ago. & the saying that people don’t change is completely biased. Back then I had no purpose or hope. Today I would gladly rip my heart out for love. & I wont fail because love never does. The thing is, people forget how to use it.
I know that if we got in a relationship today it would fall apart tomorrow. But we went from not talking to being big roles in each others lives in a few short months. I know we wont work today but at the pase we were going everything can be fixed. But I guess once something breaks it eventually has to be thrown away.