I literally disappeared for two years of my life. Trying to pick up where I left off is impossible and tragic at the same time. I was becoming someone amazing two years ago and now I’m nothing like that girl. I envy her. But who I am now is someone I have to get to know.
I've always wondered, do Americans learn about the KKK in school? We learnt about it in school in Australia, we would watch videos and everything but do Americans do the same because obviously the kkk still exists there????
i dont think i learned about it in school i cant remember that far back the kkk arent respected in america by the masses anymore they look like losers the hidden kkk members are the ones that are the real problem your republican senators and congressmen and the police
Many would say that to complete something like this is difficult but in actuality it’s not. For me I would have to say that the difficulties are within the thoughts that will arise from yourself while reading this. I pride myself on my ability to stand out and my inability to blend in. I prefer to live in my own personal freedom. So as far as tradition goes; I loth it. Nevertheless, at the end of the day I am human and by default I will have human like qualities that I cannot control. Such as, falling in love with you. When I’m with you its equivalent to myself starring at the sun. Everything is so easy and warm while in your presence. But that’s just how you are. You are simply amazing. & when you are not around it’s like a child missing summer! Counting down the days until the sun’s warmth can press on her skin. Giving her a glow that only comes from it. My heart loses all control just thinking of you. I’m not afraid of you seeing the real me, simply because the radiance within you already has a good view. Flaws & all I desire to give you me.
That moment when you have found a secret entrance into someone’s mind. & you see the little red curtain that is a straight shot to their heart. But the yearning for curiosity is irrelevant. Because the only thing on your mind is to become one in harmony with them.
I finally understand the notion of being alone in a busy world. Gosh loneliness is awful. A terrible feeling. I can be surrounded by so many but feel miles away from them. The journey to someone’s heart is something I have yet to decide of yet. I don’t even know how to function without those I care about. Everyone would say move on. Well that’s obvious but taking that first second and third step hurts. If I could just rise with a genuine optimistic charisma what would…whatever…in other news I’m the definition of annoyed!
Had plans that lack of planning robbed. I had a thought today, well actually several. Extremely terrified at the thought of dying alone, I would happily settle for one night of being in love. Granted this is the loneliness talking & it may change in a day or. & the first runner up thought goes to: nothing beats a real connection. Today wasn’t bad or good.
Tried neglecting my feelings but they are pretty impossible to ignore. That empty feeling has continued to grow or make itself known by screaming at me. It sucks that I am not considered important in hid life. But then again I probably am we move to a completely different wave. I never know what he is really thinking. & no its not a delusion. But I can’t feel the love nir see it. Moving on without them is tough. I literally walking alone. How this supposed to make me stronger. Hmm…
That’s it I’m committing suicide. I hate my life. But not physical suicide. Just the kind that involves getting rid of everything about this life I dislike. Which is pretty much everything. I’m ready to start over before its too late.
I’ve been saying this all day and repeating it in my head for days. So it all seems a bit redundant to myself. But my whole life I’ve been unaware of the emotions of those around me. Genuinely oblivious. But thats not a good enough excuse to expect forgiveness. I blamed him for the breakup. And granted he sucked a little. I did everything he did to me to an extreme level. I broke his heart. He got hurt & I moved on. & now his greatest revenge is finally being happy. It hit me today. I ruined us.
So all day yesterday I had every intention in writing a day 5 post. But it could be concluded that I’ve relapsed. Not entirely. But on the verge. I was honest with not only him but myself as to why he has randomly slipped into my #1 spot. I revealed my hurt for the lost of my best friend. & my reason for needing him in my life. I felt to scared to hear his response. I assumed it to be negative. I was wrong. I became vulnerable to him for the first time. Not on a sexual level but on level that we can actually build a foundation. And a true friendship can form. Flaws & all. I was real. It was real. He was real. Nothing beats that.
So for those who actually follow me. I found 3 draft posts from when I first started this random journey. Oh my how the transformation in my thought process has changed. Yet, I understand where that young me was coming from. She’s halarious! Gosh!!!
I’m literally beyond insane on my period. Especially the first two days! It’s not cute anymore. Its scary. I black out. Like not completely but when it comes to holding my mouth, I loose all control. & then the next day I’m just up and about talking to people like nothing ever happened. Can you say lunatic?
Day 5 was not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted I did hide behind extremely painful smiles. Just the thought of everything including the future makes me weak. He’s beating me down. & if its on purpose he’s already at the finish line. I don’t have it in me to fight back. I feel as if I lost this battle in my life. But I did catch myself saying stay strong. Something in me is trying to be tough, I can feel it. I just need to learn what & how to correctly channel that energy.
A few years from today, I'm sure I'll look back and say, "this is what made me who I am today"
& when you’re down at the bottom, after everyone has had their share in hurting you. Not to mention there is no need in pretending it doesn’t hurt. They already know you entirely to well. So you’re utterly defeated and the battle is completely over because they’ve walked out. What do you do? The ordinary man would say pick up the pieces and move on. The secondary man would say plot revenge? I say….to be continued.
Day 4 was intense! I’m sooo emotionally drained I can feel it physically. I spoke until I was blue in the face. Sometimes words are just not enough. It was real. I was real. That’s the only positive. Even tho I got hurt. It was real. The idea of us is actually starting to fade. I’m slightly seeing the reality.